i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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