We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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