I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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