cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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