You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
