At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
