If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
