I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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