the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
