What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
