There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
