This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize