I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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