If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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