May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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