Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
