I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize