I just gift wrapped bread.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
