I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
