I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
