at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
