I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
