dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize