i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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