He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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