I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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