a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
