i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
