just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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