He passed out mid-signature
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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