so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
