There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
