Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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