i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize