I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
