I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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