Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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