I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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