i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
