I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
