Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
