She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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