Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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