I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Randomize
