there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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