i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
