I wish I could teleport
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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