I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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