Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
