a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
