I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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