Me too!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
