You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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