Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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