my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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