Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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