i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
