I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
