i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
