Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
