Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
