I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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